I feel at peace.
I'm primarily an extrovert. I like being around people to recharge, feed off the energy that comes with loud nights and chaos. And yet, there's another part of me which periodically must enjoy isolation or be starved and irritable.
I went to a boarding school of 300 people contained in a two block perimeter. As teenagers, you were't allowed to leave campus unless you had a buddy to sign-out with. You had a roommate so you were rarely alone in your room. People stayed up until all hours studying for classes or crowding the common room to watch Grey's Anatomy. 'People, people, people all the time.
Except for 5am, when the doors officially "opened" from lockdown. I'd set my alarm for 5am so I could creep down, outside into the garden area for an hour or two before anyone woke. For an hour or two, I could sit and enjoy the stillness, the calm before the storm.
Much to the chagrin of my boyfriend, I don't just like being alone. I love it. I crave it. I need it. And yet, not to really be alone. No, I like to have a teammate. Someone I can rely on and to play with most of the time. It's only the few moments I need for real solitude. Like dessert -enjoyed only occasionally. Too often, I'd become overwhelmed. It'd spoil the taste. But a little bit every now and then?Just right.
What do I do in this alone time? Mostly this. I read, I write, I think things. Distill swirling, twirling thoughts into a coherent narrative. I give myself time to fully explore the idea of "What am I to do? Are they the right things? Should I do something different?" Proactive, not reactive. You don't want to plow through your life simply doing what's next because it's there, never contemplating on the when or why or how.
Or the should. What should it be? If you don't take the time to wonder, you'll never know.
They say, "No man is an island entire of itself. I think sometimes you need to be. "