I Am a Scientist, I Seek to Understand Me

If we're being forthcoming, not just me; I seek to understand the world. But those aren't the lyrics so you can't have them as a title, eh?

Why another one? If you've known me for a time, you might know this isn't my first blog, nor is it likely to be my last. I've created somewhere around 4 or 5 -more if you'd like to count the livejournals and Myspace blogs of days past- and here I offer you another. Why do I keep changing? Why not just start where I left and begin again for a clear, chronological narrative?

For one thing, the technology. My goodness Weebly is impressive. Or possibly I'm old and easily fascinated. This began experimental until I was enticed by the ease of editing. I surely didn't have it this easy with my old blogs. 

Another? I suppose I like to feel like a Phoenix. The whole death-and-rebirth cycle -or maybe I'm just really into Jean Grey. In any case, it requires instinct to know when a particular line of inquiry is dead and a new one needs to be initiated. Whereas my old ones were a bit aimless, I'd like these to be more focused. Dialogues on a certain idea as witnessed by a podcast, television show, book or what have you. Sometimes you may only be able to participate in the dialogue if you have experience with the subject matter. Other times, you should be able to fill yourself in or have general experience enough on the matter to contribute,

Which leads me to the question: what really is this about? 

I'm reading "Big Magic" by Elizabeth Gilbert which is a hearkening to the creative process. How to live purposeful life of enjoyment. How to create when creativity takes courage and how to communicate an idea ethereal as they are. I thoroughly enjoy writing, even more I enjoy constructive dialogue about big ideas, Since I left high school and my honors program -fantastic in their ability to push me towards avenues of thought I hadn't considered, yea verily, dismissed as dimwitted- with their focused curricula and discussions, I've felt the pang of need to discuss big ideas. I prefer to discuss them in an arena with many contesting participants and devil's advocates to my cause. But do you know how hard it is to find that experience as an adult? Book clubs are difficult to organize and keep cohesive not to mention away from Mindy Kaling who, although entertaining, doesn't really open you to a wide discussion of ethics and what is the right way to live. I'm quite a bit more needy for debate than that.

However, I'm also not unfamiliar with having to create this environment myself. For much of my life, I was outside the crowd. Yanked from classes where I was a distraction from the poor students trying to learn what I comprehended more quickly, I had to create worlds in which I entertained myself. I'll credit this as a reason I can be a such a flexible problem solver. Being a competitive person in the absence of competitive peers, I competed with myself. I am the first to point out flaws in my argument, weak points of logic which are unsubstantiated. Before I walk into a performance review, I know what my performance deficiencies are and am ready to offer what I feel are potential solutions -albeit limited by my own faulted experience and needing further critique. 

If I hadn't been left to make my own fun so often, I wouldn't have these skills which I now recognize as the magic of self-awareness. So, here we are. I will continue to discuss my big ideas to myself and play my own devil's advocate if I must. Though I would like company, I'm not unfamiliar with delving into life's deep questions solo. Perhaps at least I can do so in a way you'll be entertained, and I can only hope you'll be entertained enough to be involved.